Its painful or its scary – I’m not quite sure – this experience or feeling. For the first time I think, I’m taking or even making a stand for what I want. The pain, is at the expense.
I’ve always loved my family, I’ve always been considerate, kind and helpful and thankful. I’m a fantastic follower, doer and I have a wonderful ability to adapt and to blend. Its how I’ve lived my whole life – I’m a waiter. I wait for things to happen to me and when they do I deal with it and if I let it work out – it does.
I’m now in the position where I’ve worked up enough strength to face the unknown and scary uncertainty of trying to lead my life. This is very scary as its not how I’ve lived my life. I’ve always pleases people, done what they want. But, I’ve yearned to represent my life by my direction, my choices and lead myself to where I want to go. I know I follow – I dont want to be a passenger, I want to be a driver.
Its dangerous because you can fail and you aren’t following advice that helps you.
I’ve decided that I’d like not to attend a family reunion, and this has brought a fair few issues that I’ve had to face. Its has been planned on the back of one of our families holidays and quite a few people from the family will join in this holiday and its a very good time and place for everyone to get together and just enjoy being together. It has been organised by a family member who I live with in the UK and he’s very disappointed that I wont come. He’s reasoned with me and I’m not going to budge and he’s argued with me to the extent that he got very angry with me. I understand but don’t want to be conditioned to have to do anything. I’ve sticked to my guns and said that I don’t want to head down to South Africa for this reunion but Will make the effort to visit my family in the future.
I’ve been battling to figure out if I’m a bad person for not doing this. Is my expectation that – my family needs to understand and respect my decision and understand that I love them but not doing this doesn’t mean that i don’t.
I’ve felt very guilty for not wanting to attend – But I’m not going to be ‘forced’ to attend something because that’s what everyone else wants, or because its expected – I want people to know that I’m capable of making choices that may be controversial but are right as far as I’m concerned. I need my familiy to put up with me, because Its something they’ve not done before. I dont like the control they have over me, or anyone in our family. I feel that they can dictate what I should do and what I shouldn’t do and because I’m family there are certain things that they have the certainty of knowing or feeling – one that i WILL adhere to family wants, and that If i dont – I am less to the family. I want my faamily to understand that they dont own me or can dictate what i must do or must feel. I’m my own person and I will feel exactly what I want. If what I feel about my family is not what people want it to be – then they need to examine why i don’t feel the way i do.
The more I think about it, the more I realise that family can be dangerous and wonderful. Dangerous as in they can affect you, wonderful in that they can have a wonderful effect on you. Your family is always your family. You are always there family member. They might feel for you and you may feel for them but I dont want they to control me or how I feel. How I feel and what I do should be a function of who i am as a person and how I feel.
Family also has a knack I feel of making you, defining your character based on how the whole family functions. I think that a bit of my decision for not attending is let them know that I can make these decisions, that even though they effect other people and go against what others feel or want, i they must know or become to know that this decisions is right for me and that I won’t fold to family expectations. I will love my family – they way and how I do or show it – I dont want enforced.
I’m not going to be automatic. Automatic like everyone else is – slave to the family.
And as a person, I need to develop in the short term – and to do this – I feel I need to keep my distance while I take these strange steps that I want to define me. When I’m ready to interact with my family I will.
At the end of the day, I’m being selfish I guess, making a decision that benefits me and not my family.