I’m removed from this body of mine, I see myself in the mirror and I can’t relate this face, this chest and these hands to me.
Its as if my thoughts have morphed into this man I see in the morning – mature, old, undecidedly consistant.
I don’t know who I am on the inside and I’ve been trying to for a while now. I think I’m so concentrated on finding myself, I forget to see myself and I’ve grown a bit. I don’t take notice of the way i smile or how i look or what i do, and sometimes i wonder if they should somehow come together, the inside and the outside. I think I’ve had this preconception most of my life that the outside is a front, to hide the inside and either way the inside is undefined and dangerous. But now that I’m trying to learn about myself from the inside, i’ve forgotten about how I am portrayed to the world physically – Its funny, I look into the mirror and see this middle aged man, and I’m not middle aged at all, I’m young. Maybe its the toll of middle aged thinking taking its toll on me. Sometimes i think that I live 4 years ahead of myself and i dont carry through with it fully to accurately portray those 4 years or whatever it is.
Its also as if i watch myself doing things, and sometimes i wakeup and i stand facinated to seem myself doing things so unconciously – like standing in a queue, or walking in a super market – I do it and i just do it, and then sometimes i wonder what it looks like from the outside – if i saw myself walking or standing in a queue or waiting to be served in a cafe’.
Its pretty disturbing sometimes for me to know this, because i think it seems to me that this could mean that I’m happily diffirent in the inside but on the outside – I’m lost, I’m not communicating with world around me – I owe this i hope to my develpment process and hope it is not anything wrong.
sometimes, i see people do things so effortlessly, and i wonder what that means for me, who can’t