sometime i mind not running for miles and miles under the blistering sun, nor being beaten up by the angry mob – nor do i resist in the ways of torture or torment.
I will hurt and i will feel and i will overcome – yet sometimes i think that their is one think that all this cannot compare to and i cannot complete …
sometimes like the need to feel, the need to eat is a instinct that drives us to succeed in life, water is essential to conginual growth and without it all that is becomes the has and was before.
This is how i need the sustinance of understanding in my life.
It is sometimes difficult to understand the answer, even though they are given – but without the reasons they become statistics and values – the end doesn’t justify the means if the means has no flavour nor content nor value.
Sometimes i cannot find these means that bring about these things i see, feel.
I feel like a wine bottle with a hole in it, no matter how many times you refill the wine into the bottle – it runs out and it keeps running out – and i’m so frustrated at this, why is the bottle running out of wine? I cannot accept this bottle. I think that the wine in the bottle runs out and laughs at me as it runs…
How can I take this bottle with me, how will i walk this journey accross many lands and under the blistering sun with no bottle that holds my water, not my wine?
I cannot accept this bottle – I will not take it.
I try to take this bottle, with me – time and time again, and each time it empties and no water remains – i cannot take this bottle.
My frustration lies with that bottle that I cannot take, but for this bottle I must take, for it is this bottle that i need.No other bottle will do – yet i cannot – this frustrates me endless – I MUST take this bottle ! But I cannot – the bottle doesn’t work.
It is in this way i find myself trying to use that which is incomplete, like the bottle and i cannot – it is to this measure that i calibrate my endurance and i fail hopelessly.
Though I try.
Sometime i wonder why I must take this bottle? Sometimes I wonder why the water runs out, sometimes i wonder what is more important – the reason the water runs out or the cause that makes the water run…
I fear incompletion – it is my weakness.
I fear reciving that which is not complete – especially when they are given to me as gifts.
Please don’t give me that which is incomplete – it makes me persue the universe to ask why.
Sometimes that what i seek, i feel i can find, but sometimes i wonder what if i cannot find, why then im i trying?
Maybe the meaning of life , is life – trying life, trying, maybe its not the outcomes that are the important things, but the trying to reach them – then sometimes i think what are these things called goals if, at the end of the day they are not important – why do i calibrate myself in success and use acording to things that are not true of success of measure thereof?
I am my own master – it seems that, that which can be accomplished without boundries is far grater than that with.