I have started my Judo again, its been 5 years since i last when in a dojo(which is still at my old school), so thats pretty cool, and the great
thing is that MOST if not all those of my buddies that i’v lost contact with and do judo STILL do it, so it awsome to see them every mon/wed in the evening.I was thinking yesterday that its almost scary going back to my primary
school since all i have gone through in my life from when i left till now – its been a total endurance, so when i went back their for te first time it was pretty flippin wierd(but unfamiliarly scary)….who know but it felt so wrong. i had a ice-brick in my stomach the whole time. Like i suppose it is because you dont know what might happen,what might strike you when you’re not expecting- cos you’re not used to environment, you’ve been away from this period of time for such a long time, and now all of a sudden you are going to it- and its not all the same(thats scary)- or maybe its because you miss the place soooooooo much its sore, make you numb, like you found a most special thing, and then you realise that you are a bit sad that it had been there all the time but you never got to it- or ignored it -or fogot about it – or even you just neglected it to do other stuff. Also I suppose alot of my life, characteristics were/have been shaped within
the confines and environment of that place – thats a pretty daunting thing!
But you almost dont want to go back….but you really do! You don’t want to go back cos then you feel bad again, then when you there you wish you could get everybody in your life there with you and never leave,but you know you must leave it again.Don’t read this wrong – im NOT crazy ( umm okay alittle ).
I suppose it is so strong with me, especially my school cos i never every spent one day of my early life away from my school – never changed a school, i found my passions while in primary school.Had great expariences,friends,fun,awsome-ness.(if there is such a word, it was like it!)I developed basic cahracteristics – so its scary to be back there – its stupid, i feel stupid but its nice.
i find myself in an awkward position in my little “place in my head” about what the past, revisiting it, not that its bad, most of it is sooo good, i miss it.But one thing that i miss the most is me, me back then…i had so much care free worries- i knew all that i wanted, i spoke to kirsty about this, she was about 16 back then me maybe 12 or so,
kirsty i presume should feel like me, shes got hectic past to revisit – aunty ducks been gone for some time now, wee dont even talk about it anymore – like we just WANT to forget it, so we dont have remember it.So much for visiting the past is all good. But i suppose i feel sore for that duration of the past that is not there anymore, and in fact cannot be the same anymore. You can’t relive the past -hey thats a good thing right. I WANT to.
Today steve wanted to know if i was intrested in staring a PC business – sounds almost wrong, anyway i dont have what i takes right now.
Thats it me in a nutshell : “I dont have what it takes right now” and that me tomorro and the day after tomorro, im actually stupid….im waiting to get that something everytime, adn then when i get that thing, i’v already got my sites on somthing that i need or feel i need that pushes me right back into the “i dont have what is takes right now”
thing.I dont even know what i want.I hesitate sometimes, when what i want is not what people from me. what i want from people, they dont expect or want from me.