This is a email i sent to someone i used to know – i don’t “know” her anymore.
i have got to be honest.
i wanted you always and liked you from the very beginning.
i am sorry that i did not treat you that way.
i need to let you know this.
i dont let you in, when i said you dont let me in.
all these thing i know.
i never let you have the chance of getting close to me.
this i did my telling you that we should not ever go out.
this might have hurt you, it hurt me.
im sorry.
i do this.
i dont show emotion.
i loathe break-ups, and i ultimatly think that they will always happen.
most of the time i feel broken when they do.
my way in life is to find love and stick with it, dont let it fall away
once you have it, it is a once-off thing, it happens and when it does it
happens
in such great quantities and with all emotion.
but when this happens and then it falls apart – i fall apart.
all the time i am afraid that i will be the cause of this.
so i never commit.
i prevent this i by to not getting into potential situations that may
cause this.you were one of these situations.
look im an idiot, think nothing of me – but im thinking of you,so that
you can carry on knowing
that i never turned you down, their was never anything about you i
didn’t like – you were perfect.
So much so that you might have broken me at some stage and i was too
scared to allow that.
And also if i am to carry on i can’t live with a conscious of dimming a
potential light that was you.
i have a front that i use hide behind, i build a wall that i claim
protects me without losing sight of the outside –
i value friendship more than relationship, so i set up one and eliminate
the other.
im sorry i had to put you through this.
i understand if you think less of me.
maybe you never wanted anything more than what i was willing to give.
i might be wasting my breath, you never liked me.
that also okay.
wherever you are right now,whatever you are doing, you might be doing
just fine.
but if im not honest with you and myself, im losing lots.
i was so borderline that i became so adgitated,erratic,edgy…sorry.it
was ,me not you.
im not telling you this cos i want anything from you.
if anything i want you to just carry on, with one less thing on your mind.
im fake, i hide behind the conversations – but i just wanted you to know.
i would like to mail you, speak to you on real flat terms, no
expectations, no nothing.
Only if you want to.
if you dont, thats okay., but i’d really like it if we could open some
sort of communication
so that i can speak with you.
i have a permanent connection at home now, right into my room into my Pc’s.
You can reach me at anytime, day or night,24/7 if you want to talk.
that mail address here is stumathews@gmail.com.
i am comfortable speaking to you more than with anyone i know.
i need to clear the air, i need it.
Stu