Sometimes things just happen, and for a long time my opinion about it has changed many times. I cannot give you the answer to the question that has been with me my whole life : do we have a destiny?
Sometimes someone hands you a card on the Saturday before Easter sunday to goto church, because of this you go to church. you are greeted by the man, he directs you into the surmon. Because of this you listen to the prayers. You sit down and like a spot light falls on a criminal escaping from jail. and you are noticed. Because of this you are found by hope and she stays with you for a while. She senses your anguish with this place. Then she gives you an invitation to stay and to go – you do neither – it feels wrong to take without giving, for you have given nothing. you leave it at the door on the way out. You leave without saying goodbye only with a smile to hope as you pass her on the steps. You go back and forth wondering to accept the gift that you left at the door. This is a strange feeling you have in your heart. You think about hope and her gift. You think it rude not to accept it. You go back, you take the gift and you leave. you see no one that you remember, neither hope nor her gift.
You find hopes contact details and you contact her to thank her for her efforts although you know that they may not have helped you, somehow you know something was helped. You hope that you were not disrespectful for not accepting the gifts. Hope tells you that you are welcome and that you need to do what feels right. hope understands. You respond by asking for the gift she offered. She pauses for a long while and you wait for a response. finally she accepts the over to accept the gift and you meet hope again. you meet hope at the cinema then you meet the man again, hope has brought her friends and they accompany her like guardians.
You forget about the days events and sit with her for a while, then you leave. then on the way home. you ask her if she will come with you tomorrow. she says maybe. she has plans. you think that she has better things to do. she says you can come with her, you say no you don’t want to impose. then you wake the next morning, hoping by then she would have contacted you. she hasn’t. you now then you wait some more for hope to find you again, she doesn’t so you look for her- you offer to take her away again without her guardians. She says no. you try to convince her. she says no. you stop. you tell her that you will stop. You think that this is a sign to stop. you tell her that perhaps she should not make herself available the way she made herself available to you. she agrees. you know this is it. hope has left you. you tell hope that you will not find her again. she asks you why you would want that. you say it because it feels right. she says that there was a reason that you met her and she met you. you say that you believe destiny and fate means that you have no control over things and you dont like that. you say that you dont want ot be hopes’ project, something to work on. she says that you can stop looking but she wont – unless you want her to. you tell her to stop looking, you say goodbye to her.
you think about it, and you regret it. then you think how worse it would have been if you lost hope after a long while and how it was better for hope that you knew that there was not hope for you.
you’ve lost hope but you feel better because it was reasoned.
and then you realise that you are truly hopeless, without anyone but yourself and what you’ve done.
then you think that if hope ever finds you again,
she would’ve looked very hard for you
and that will be enough for you to embrace hope.