i like not to pretend to know what you mean or feel, though i think today i do.
maybe you’re right, maybe we are pulled and thrown around by stuff we can’t see or don’t want to see.
And its sometimes odd,strange and sometimes insignificant and seemingly unnoticible things that can make the *real* impacts in your life…i dont know..but i suppose its so easy to mess up.So easy.
sometimes i think they’re sinister, trying to catch you out, decieve you and trick you..its almost unfair that its such small things that seem to stalk us so quietly with no detection can be the very stuff that changes whole worlds upside down…sometimes i just don’t know.
but sometimes i think, though on a totally diffirent place, that people are important…everyone, everywhere that you’ve ever known or met is somehow apart of you, they’ve defined you and they are with you every step of the way wherever you might go or end up…i like to think that i’m never alone…i’m always around and apart of everyone i knew/know is with me…pretty stupid i know, but sometimes i don’t think so.it makes me feel good.
i like to think you’re right, that i know whats going to happen, but honestly sometimes i wonder.
sometimes i think i feel like im in a game sometimes and i feel the highs and lows during a monopoly game i feel it in life too and sometimes i think i’m winning in life cos i feel those same kinda feelings and highs and sometimes i can ‘see’ other people in the game, the ones who’ve just had to pay rent, pay parking fines …sometimes i can see these feelings from the game… in real life … though sometimes i think its just me being wierd-but i like to think its real.
though sometimes i really just don’t know-and i think i like not knowing…cos whatever i do, i don’t feel guilty about things that happen.but maybe i think that if i just do what i feel and never lie to myself and enjoy myself things will somehow just work out fine – all i want is to be fine – no very ambisious maybe but to me i think its everything i’d ever wish for…cliche maybe – but true i think.
But people are important, no doubt and they can change you. Studies can change you, friends can change you, mom and dad change you, school changes you, boyfriends and girl friends change you…but only i think,if you let them, and sometimes i think its up to us to give them permission to change us – and change with the one that we want to.People are imoprtant – you’re right – i like to think so anyway.
Sometimes (but not too often) i think we need special people to share us, our problems and thoughts and pretty much just experiance things with us and in doing so comfort us and give us security and friendship and maybe(i think)…worth-but maybe worth is not this, its what we already have – we just need these special people to remind us. I still really don’t know, though i think so.
I want to see myself in a small apartment, white, friendly neighbors…my longed eared beagle bob, chewing my stress ball on my comfy couch(making very determined noises ) infront of the tv…a small fridge just small enough to fit into the space next to the builtin cupboard above the stove, a sliding door that open over a street with icy bright puddles on the road.
and on the bed is my suit and laptop next to my keys and a sudoku puzzle book.My slippers and Pj’s thrown over a chair and my laundy …wanting to be washed…and a baby book shelf with some gentle reading…
and i hope i have to work very very hard and i hope that i struggle and fight and i just make enough to ‘be’.
I wish…to ‘be’ just this nothing less, maybe more..im not sure-but its a good start i think.
i think i’m detecting a blog entry here…sorry,I’ll stop and switch over now…
Stu
ps, I still dont know.