I saw her again, while i watched the fire burn down that cypress, i thought i saw her at the gate, waiting for me, still and motionless and quite.
I thought I hear her behind me, while i sat in the sun, and i imagined her behind me.
Sometimes I think that my mind is playing with me, and slowly my grip on what balance i though i had doesn’t seem to be there.I always had a grip on these things, my degrees were always in check, as i ‘checked’ them.
Though, things are getting to me…as i watched the bush burn, gliding snakes of transparent sheeting , permiating from the blaze showd me the gate, and i wished that she was there, i wanted to her her say ‘hey’ and though i’m finding hard to leave her from my mind, now i think my artificaillian ways are catching up with me.
Fuck, I thought this would end, its like somehting i want to end, my deep down i dont, and my mind is free thinking not restricted to my ways of suppression. I think that my greatest and most powerfull expressions have been generated by her in her being in me mind and they role i have given her.Perhaps thats what i need, some emotion, some motivation.
Maybe i need to get over things, sometimes i try and when i think its all good, some past reminises with me, sometimes i wich it wouldn’t then sometimes i welcome it and, then i explore my feelings, i think the feeling of weakness and lostness is a perticular one that i have found come up every now and then.So ehats new i ask myself? Nothing, i hope today i learn something else about myself, becuase these things about me keep cropping up for now apparent reason – at once i welcomed all this knowing – now i’m overwelmed at where to put it and position it in perspective with something else that no doubt i know in just a moment or day or week’s time.
I think i need to bang it out of me, these things that i seem to revisit .
I think i’ll write them down, identify them and then by doing so i hope to them into perspective so it will be easier to work with, work with and erase and leave behind, gracefully – cos i don’t think their is anything i dont like, its just finding the time to deal with them.
And then of course, dealing with them, trying to understand this person that generates these images, thoughts and feelings.Though each time i think im slowly fililng in all the blank spaces.