Sometimes i get so fucking mad, i just can’t understand things, stuff that you’d expect someone to write into a manual – maybe god should have given us a manual ? Then i suppose it wouldn’t be anyfun and we wouldn’t have any hicups here and there….
But still, fuck, i mean why are we trying to explain things anyway ? I mean it wasn’t given to us ( the meaning ) ? Then i backtrack and hot my self with a tipple combo-wammy…so you can figure it out Stu! Aw, damn that makes so much sense, though i wish it didn’t.I suppose the best we can do it try to explain what we think something means – is that waht we do anyway? Well, yes, but sometimes no, sometimes you get a stupid git you tries to know the world – i hate that – fuck, no one knows the fucking world – thats whats so fucking wrong ( and irritating ) – so when i try to explain myself to myself i start disagreeing withmyself, like “how do you know that” and “wheres the proof” or “just shut up”, or even better “ah fuck it”.
It is truly frustrating not knowing and having no one to tell you how things are going to end up – its like going walking into a dark tunnel and then someone runs out the tunnel frantically screaming , then you ask her whats happening in there and she just says well i can’t tell you, or she doesn’t say anything and just runs, then you are left with this feeling of “if she’d just had told me…” -> thats fucking terrible to me.And the worst part is , its not like you can say, “ah hell, that sounds bad, im not going in there” because for some fucked up reason you have to go in there – so now you wich even more that she’d said something even remotly usefull – but no — ahhhh fuck.
Anyway , i suppose you have to just take the bruses and bumps as you expreiances them – somehow that feels almost like bad planning ( then again, you haven’t anything to plan with , so hell , how can i compare?).
I suppose its all about discovery, perhaps this what out higher puspose is, higher discovery of things in life and define them according to our feelings – almost like telilng god how wonderfull this life is that he’s given us, but more like he’s in it for the praise we give him for it in out own definitions – somehow i dont trust myself with this last feelings and i feel rather undone, but maybe life is just like the cave – i mean you need to discover stuff, as it comes , and when it comes – you need to take it and say what is is and how it feels and what is does and almost like research – and with this discovered stuff you define, you use it as spare parts that help you along the way donw the cave – maybe thats it…yep maybe thats it.