I sometimes feel a bit depressed about the things that i put in to effect.For instance my inability to commit – the mechanisims i use and put in place to prevent comitment and my paranoid schemes of mannerisms that lead to these mechanisms.These mechaisms are conscious, i create them with the intention that they will protect me.I have a very deliacate sence to being, and sharing and exosing my being with someone that could potential destroy it is far too scary a thought.But what does make me feel rather sad and undone(by myself) is the after effects that they produce – sence of unknowing – when all is done and mechanisms have worked , all the “what ifs” plague me – but i suppose this comes with the territory.But it makes me feel tense and uneasy – every encounter i have, i seem to still keep a pulse alive, very small but their, with the people that i tend away against.These people that i shunt away( intentionally ) obviously, and without needed reason, tend to do exactly what i want – they move away.Then i sit with the strings that they have attatched to me, i feel the strings.Although i can create mechanisms that prevent intervention they can’t create/distroy things that are abstract that people implicitly produce and bombard at me and my mechanisms – things like comfort, company, feelilngs that are produced and effects that come to light based on these.But hey thats my burden, and hey deal with it – its better though than getting involved.But it still leaves marks behind.
I am coming to realise how these mechanisms are dettimental to me, and my progress is improving and development is positive – i am activly listening tomyself and reasoning with myself, i have many things that i need to come to terms with, this is just one of them, and i think the greatest thing is that i have identified it as a problem and it hapers me and my development – and im fixing this as i can, slowly but i am doing it though.But its a bit of give and take i suppose, i gain in some resepect and loose in others.But i feel the need for somethings are not their anymore, especially my personal mechanisms of commitment prevention.
But perhaps its not depressing but just sad.
Though it won’t be for long.